You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Funnies’ category.
A story from the trip. (I hurt my back yesterday and can’t get out of bed, so you might hear a lot from me.)
So. It was one of the planned activities to hike the Y on Sunday morning, meet at Aunt LeNae’s for brunch and go to church at 1:00 p.m. It would be a family event – anyone who wanted to would go! Multitudes of cousins were present at the reunion so the boys never were friendless at any of the events.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the term “hike to the Y”, it is a BYU thing. Almost a rite of passage. I thought it was a Utah thing, although after sitting around with Mark’s cousins after church I found that half of them had lived in UT for many years and never done it. Sad! Anyway, the new BYU freshmen are almost required to traipse up the side of the mountain. There is a HUGE “Y” up there, demarking the nickname for BYU. The Y is up there pretty high. It is kind of intimidating… and Sammy did NOT want to go.
We were kind of iffy anyway about whether we’d actually do it. Nobody else was going… one uncle had been sick throughout the night, wiping out a whole family of potential comrades… it had been raining, creating possibly unfavorable trail conditions. But we had NOTHING else to do. We had already walked around BYU twice, the kids were sick of the Bus, and we couldn’t show up unannounced at unsuspecting family’s doorsteps in all good conscience. We kicked around the idea of walking around one of the various LDS temples in the area, but Josh was being such a turkey and needed an outlet for his energy (as did Ben and even Jill), and I had just the night before bought shoes suitable for hiking, so we decided to just go.
As we wound through the streets in the Provo foothills (I never remember where the trailhead starts – we always walked up when I was a student – now there’s a parking lot!) Sam was teary eyed and adamant that he was sure this was a bad idea. I looked at Mark out of the corner of my eye and said, “Well, maybe we’ll only go up part way and come down.” He shot back, “No, let’s do the whole thing! We can DO this! What else are we going to do?” So I slunk into my seat for a minute and listened to the whimpering from the middle row. And popped some excedrin. I knew I was about to need it.
We found the trailhead – wow, they have improved it. Josh, Ben and Jill were off in a flash. Sammy didn’t even want to get out of the Bus. I put on my best encouraging voice and said we’d do it together. I handed him a water bottle and he got OUT. Half the battle.
I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say, I had to hold his hand and literally DRAG him up the mountain for parts. We linked arms and I dragged him. I distracted him from the arduous task at hand by regaling him with funny stories of my childhood. And every time he sat down I’d stop talking. He’d say, “What happens next?” And I’d say, “I can’t tell you until you start walking again.” I kept VERY CHEERFUL, I tell you. It was helpful that I have some great stories.
We made it to the top, took pictures, and Jill AND Sam were both afraid of being up so high. Then Jill was being a momma’s girl and wanted me to carry her down… then she fell asleep on me almost instantly. So I carried a sleeping three year old all the way down the mountain, and my calves are still feeling it. Mark got the job of coaxing Sam down the mountain. Mark sent Josh ahead to catch up to me with the Bus key so I could put her down when I got there. Josh was in remarkable spirits through the whole hike. Amazing. And Ben was incredible. A total little trooper.
He asked several times, as we were going up, “What is the point of this??” We told him, so you can say you did it. For bragging rights. Because some of your friends in KS have never even SEEN a mountain, much less climbed one, and you can now tell them YOU have CLIMBED a MOUNTAIN!!! He was unimpressed. I thought giving him a few days’ space would give him some perspective on things, and the sense of accomplishment would begin to sink in. But as we drove home, we had to pass the Y from a distance. I said, “Look guys – the Y! Doesn’t it look high? Amazing that we were sitting on that thing.” Sammy didn’t even bother to look up. I think he’s still holding a bit of a grudge.
I found this memo tucked in the side of Jillian’s crib – I’m on to her. ;)
Date: January 1, 2009
To: Child 4A0765B-1007@children.com, toddler_unit@children.com
From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division
Subject: Quarterly Objectives
Happy new year, company members! As you know, our last quarter was a
fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our
bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time.
That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of
shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of
the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in
the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way
under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.
It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great
strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow
to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child
3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped
from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the
occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108:
plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.
For the first quarter of 2009, we’ve strengthened our resolve and
shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can
accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.
Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing
procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts
us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth
skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our
smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by
imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will
not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.
So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse
to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE
DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For
motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real
tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will
scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear
of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure
to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.
Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you.
The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.
Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at
each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling
as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital
step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO
MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.
But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the
playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because
because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take.
Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better
playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake.
The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.
Onward!
Kevin
Blogged with the Flock Browser
“I should start wearing more clothes. Know why? Cuz I have tons of clothes in my drawers!”
This picture is from the trip home from the North Carolina beaches, a miserable experience for Sam. It was a day where he just couldn’t get comfortable, no matter how many blankets and pillows he added to his “fort”. Josh was so exasperated with his whining and constant moaning that he’d burst out “Sammy! STOP IT! We’re going to be in this van together for another 6 HOURS so STOP IT!” And Sammy would reply with “Ohhhhhh….. wooooaaaahhhh…… ooohhhhhhh…. I CAN’T GET COMFY!!!”
Now… this was RIGHT before our big cross-country road trip. Mark and I kept exchanging dread-filled looks and I tried to placate Sam instead of getting angry, in an attempt to prove to myself that this upcoming trek would not be an abysmal disaster. We were already feeding Jill M&M’s every time she screamed “MOP!” which I felt might be the golden ticket with her, but was also fearful that this might not be the healthiest idea, nor would it last very long (she tends to bore easily.)
Anyway, we all survived, even Sammy, who never slept a wink during that drive. I brought drugs on the next trip.
Ben hedged around the issue all evening one night, but I knew he wanted to tell me what was up. He finally did inform me later about their plans in the form of whispering in my ear, and how it is Fiona’s idea, and how she has told him he needs to buy her a ring and then they can get married. He also swore me to secrecy, so none of you who know him in real life razz him, please. I never actually promised though, since he wouldn’t tell me what I was supposed to be keeping a secret (loopholes OPEN!) and he forgot to pinky swear it. 
I told him, “This is a very important decision, and Fiona is a nice girl. You just need to make sure you choose someone who will be good to you, and get married in the temple. And wait until you get home from your mission.” And got a big grin on his face as he said, “Okay.” Then he looked a little concerned as he said, “Only, I don’t know how to get to the temple. Will you drive us?”
Me: …She was trying to be snarky.
Him: “Snarky”? What is that?
Me: It means witty and sarcastic.
Him: Huh. So lately you’ve taught me two vocabulary words – narcissistic and snarky. Hey, they’re both about you. I’ll put them on your tombstone!
I read this when Josh was a baby and thought it was hilarious. I think of it every time one of the kids is sick on the couch (Sammy today.) So I searched and searched and finally found it. And wow, is it applicable in our family!
Biblical Laws for Children
Household Principles for Children Based on the Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)
Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room. Read the rest of this entry »
Jill’s hair is getting long enough that today we started clipping it up “Pebbles-style”. Sadly, this picture doesn’t show the three inches of hair sticking straight up above the bow.
Funny prayers from the boys lately. Sammy’s been praying that he won’t be so annoying (and I think it’s working.) Ben has been very thankful for Taekwondo and prays that we’ll have a good day in church no matter what day it is. And Josh prays that we’ll be more reverent during prayers while shooting dagger looks at his restless brothers.
I was remembering some of the funny things I’ve seen at church. Feel free to add some of yours!
We were visiting Mark’s home ward one Sunday and they were out of bread for the Sacrament. They were playing music, waiting for a guy to run home and get some and bring it back. He arrived with the bread through the back doors, walked halfway up the aisle and threw the loaf of bread like a football up to the waiting preists.
For the closing prayer of the “All-Adults” meeting for stake conference, the woman asked to “please bless the refreshments, and we’re thankful for them, knowing full well that there are people starving and suffering in the world because they have no food”. We all felt like we should pack up the cookies and take them to the nearest soup kitchen.
A woman bore her testimony about a relative who was very sick while crossing plains, and before she died, made her husband promise to bring her body to be buried in Utah when they arrived. The woman telling the story was very touched by this act of devotion, but all I could think of was that they had to store a dead body in the wagon somewhere for who knows how long.
And one that happened in our primary not too long ago – the other counselor was doing Sharing Time and teaching about the 10 plagues, and showed pictures and described in great detail. Then she passed out paper and crayons and said, “Now, I want each of you to draw your favorite plague.”
Oh – one more – our Primary chorister gets inventive, and one Sunday she had a paper doll that was supposed to be Helaman, and a bunch of armor to dress him in, and each piece of armor was a song. When all the armor was removed, however, Helaman was left standing in his tighty-whities.
Me: Ah, wrapped up in your blanket, eating cheetos and watching a Mythbusters/Dirty jobs marathon – does it get any better than this?
Josh: No, it does not.
